CHRISTMAS OFFER Subscribe to Cotswold Life today CLICK HERE

Dom Joly: Total pants

PUBLISHED: 15:44 22 January 2016 | UPDATED: 16:07 22 January 2016

" I believe that we are the butt of a huge joke among the medical community"

Archant

Something is going on in the medical profession, and I have my own theories…

I’ve never really had a proper job. Actually, I lie. I was ‘something in the City’ once, when I was about 24, for six months or so, but I never understood what it actually was. I was also unbelievably, a diplomat in Prague for a year in the early 90s, but only as an intern (albeit with full diplomatic immunity and the only convertible in Czechoslovakia, as it then was).

But I’ve never had what my parents would consider to be a proper job - you know the sort of thing – doctor, lawyer, architect, Dragon on Dragon’s Den.

Consequently, much as I adore the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants nature of my existence I have always been a little jealous of the ‘professions’. Sure, they are boring and predictable but conversely they are also steady and reliable. When the demand for me dressing as a squirrel and writing about my pig disappears, the world will always need Dragons, lawyers, architects and… doctors.

Yes it’s the medical community that I’m angry with, this month. They are respected members of the community, doing good work to help others and yet, I have this feeling that they are taking the mickey. Allow me to explain. I believe that we are the butt of a huge joke among the medical community. The joke, such as I can understand it, is this – how many people a day can you convince to strip down to your underwear for no reason whatsoever?

I can’t remember when it first started. There was the time that I popped into see my GP about an earache. “Just pop all your clothes on the chair and let’s have a look shall we?” he said, looking away quickly.

I reiterated that my ailment involved my ear and that they were already fully unclothed. I didn’t know what to do. I was not a medical man. I was a comedian. So I stripped down to my pants and T-shirt… but this wasn’t good enough.

“Just slip the T-shirt off please…” And then I’d be standing in the GP’s office in my pants, feeling vulnerable and confused as he peered into my ear with a magnifiying torch thing…

Then I went to see another doctor about a problem I was having with my foot.

I’d broken my metatarsal while competing on Total Wipeout in Argentina. “Just slip your clothes off and hop onto the bed here please…” whispered the foot doctor in a calm manner. I stared at him hoping to catch a hint of a smile or a repressed giggle. There was nothing and once again I was soon in my pants allowing a man to grope my foot while I sucked my tummy in.

Maybe I just haven’t understood some basic medical necessity for nudity? It’s like when I very occasionally go for a massage and the masseuse hands you a little package, tells you to get ready and leaves the room. You then have a desperate dash to get your clothes off and try to work out how to put on the tiny paper pants in the least embarrassing fashion before she returns. God help us if doctors get this idea.

Here is my theory. Medical schools are renowned for high jinks – amputated limbs in beds, skeletons stolen for rugby tours etc. Then they become proper doctors and their world is suddenly full of hypochondriacs and minor sniffles. It makes sense that one day one of them suggested to another that they have a little wager?

I can imagine the high-fiving in the pub as the winning doctor recounted how he’d ‘bagged’ his 20th of the day just before closing time.

How they laughed and howled. And soon news of this competition spread through the medical community and suddenly everybody was at it with secret leagues popping up on the Dark Web.

I had to pop in to see one the other day for a pig-bite on my thumbnail (Wilbur had broken into the dog food room and was not best pleased to be asked to leave). I extended my black thumb for examination. He just looked at me and said, “Pop all your clothes off and we’ll have a little shufti…” Something is going on, I tell you. Am I alone in this?

Follow Dom on Twitter: @domjoly

0 comments

Welcome , please leave your message below.

Optional - JPG files only
Optional - MP3 files only
Optional - 3GP, AVI, MOV, MPG or WMV files
Comments

Please log in to leave a comment and share your views with other Cotswold Life visitors.

We enable people to post comments with the aim of encouraging open debate.

Only people who register and sign up to our terms and conditions can post comments. These terms and conditions explain our house rules and legal guidelines.

Comments are not edited by Cotswold Life staff prior to publication but may be automatically filtered.

If you have a complaint about a comment please contact us by clicking on the Report This Comment button next to the comment.

Not a member yet?

Register to create your own unique Cotswold Life account for free.

Signing up is free, quick and easy and offers you the chance to add comments, personalise the site with local information picked just for you, and more.

Sign up now

More from Out & about

Mon, 13:15

Tracy Spiers takes an impressive, if hypothetical, budget on a shopping spree in Cheltenham’s independent stores

Read more
Mon, 12:23

Get out and enjoy seasonal celebrations with a Cotswold twist

Read more
Tuesday, December 4, 2018

If you’re looking for things to do in the Cotswolds this month, we have gathered plenty of events for you to pop in your diary

Read more
Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Hundreds of participating National Lottery-funded visitor attractions across the UK are saying ‘thanks’ to people who have raised money for good causes by buying a lottery ticket, including a number of venues in the Cotswolds

Read more
Monday, December 3, 2018

“We’re looking forward to lots of festive fun this Christmas festival and hope to welcome lots of people to our town.”

Read more
Monday, November 26, 2018

“Faringdon upholds old-fashioned values through its traditional shops, personal service and shop owners who go the extra mile to make their customers feel at home.”

Read more
Friday, November 23, 2018

Home to some of the country’s most breathtaking architecture and picturesque gardens, the Cotswolds boasts plenty of beautiful stately homes you need to visit. We pick eight special locations that are made even more magical during Christmas time

Read more
Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Taking the classroom outdoors is fun, inspires fresh ideas, broadens horizons – and encourages a new generation to enjoy and care for the Cotswolds

Read more
Monday, November 19, 2018

Chipping Campden – once the meeting place for a council of Saxon kings – now offers the warmest of welcomes to all its visitors, from the humble shopper to the seasonal shin-kicker

Read more
Thursday, November 15, 2018

As well as three days of action-packed racing and tradition, there’s plenty to do away from the course at this year’s November Meeting. Neil Phillips, The Wine Tipster, shares his 14 suggestions on how to make the most of your time at Cheltenham Racecourse

Read more
Tuesday, November 13, 2018

The Warwickshire town of Alcester is considered one of the best understood Roman settlements in the country. Tracy Spiers digs below the surface to discover its hidden jewels

Read more

Thanks to the impact of ground-breaking comedy This Country, the quiet market town of Northleach has become one of the Cotswolds’ hottest film locations. Katie Jarvis is sent to investigate

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Stephen Roberts walks in the footsteps of the Oxford scholar who enjoyed attending parties dressed as a polar bear, and once chased a neighbour while dressed as an axe-wielding Anglo-Saxon

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

I send this postcard from Cirencester, complete with the discoveries and viewpoints from four members of my family – both the young and not so young

Read more

Newsletter Sign Up

Sign up to the following newsletters:

Sign up to receive our regular email newsletter

Our Privacy Policy

Topics of Interest

Food and Drink Directory A+ Education

Subscribe or buy a mag today

subscription ad

Local Business Directory

Property Search