CHRISTMAS OFFER Subscribe to Cotswold Life today CLICK HERE

Sue Limb: Getting under my skin

17:13 28 July 2014

I like the thought of Wordsworth and Byron squaring up over the cups of my bra

I like the thought of Wordsworth and Byron squaring up over the cups of my bra


My bloke has a tattoo. It’s a profile head of a cheetah or similar large cat, but it’s a bit smudged and from certain angles looks exactly like a turbot

Everybody’s got a tattoo these days. Even Helen Mirren. That’s as near as dammit to saying the Queen has got one. Maybe she has, tucked away under her flawless turquoise suit. I wonder what it would be? The royal coat of arms, lion and unicorn rampant across the royal shoulder blades? ‘Mum’ on the royal biceps? After all, she was always very close to her mother. And two of her ancestors, Edward VII and George V, had tattoos. Although they also had beards. I don’t think she’d go that far.

My bloke has a tattoo, the result of a bet at college. He probably regrets having it done. It’s a profile head of a cheetah, or similar large cat, but it’s a bit smudged and from certain angles looks exactly like a turbot.

But he shouldn’t feel embarrassed any more, because tattoos are big these days. David Beckham, of course, looks more and more like the Rosetta Stone, and the Aussie bowler who devastated the England team in the last Ashes series, Mitchell Johnson, has arms like a Liberty’s pattern book.

Once the preserve of hunky he-men, the tattoo is now sported by frail girls and feisty grannies alike. So I have been forced to consider whether I, too, should have one. But what should it be?

Katie Price, as we know, was once married to Peter Andre, and had his name tattooed on her arm. When they parted, she had it crossed out. That should serve as a warning. Perhaps I shall get over my crush on Michael Gove and succumb to the charms of Eric Pickles.

But I shall never get over my crush on Lord Byron. Perhaps I could have a portrait of him across my back. Although having him on my back seems to be missing a trick. Perhaps he should be on my front - or one of my fronts. But who would look right on the other? Wordsworth, maybe. Straight laced Wordsy and raunchy Byron were polar opposites after all and probably hated one another. I like the thought of them squaring up over the cups of my Balconette bra.

But what if the portraiture fell short and they were unrecognisable? Or possibly mistaken for Steve Davis (snooker guru, a bit like Wordsworth) and Alastair Cook (a kind of low-fat decaffeinated Lord Byron)?

Possibly words are better, though the temptation towards silly quips must be resisted. ‘This way up’ as my balance gets more iffy? ‘May contain nuts’ across my brow? ‘Not made in China’ across my backside (possibly the only thing in the world Not Made in China). ‘My other bosom’s a 40DD’? No, no: vulgarity, though tolerable in the young, becomes beastly as we age. ‘Shake Before Use’ might have been appropriate when I was 20, but now even if I am only slightly shaken - by a missed penalty on TV, for example - I tend to feel a bit squiffy for the rest of the day.

Perhaps a Latin tag? No, too elitist. Shakespeare, then. ‘Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt’? Incidentally, that ought to be the Weightwatchers’ motto, surely.

The trouble is, one soon tires of everything except animals and birds. I suppose that’s why dragons, lions, turbot, etc are so popular.

I know! A swallow! I spend the long dark half of the year longing to see a swallow again. It would be kind of wonderful to be able to look down and see a couple of swallows wheeling and cavorting on my own kneecaps. But I’ll have to go on a diet, first. I haven’t seen my knees for years.


This article by Sue Limb is from the August 2014 issue of Cotswold Life.

For more from Sue, follow her on Twitter: @Sue_Limb


Welcome , please leave your message below.

Optional - JPG files only
Optional - MP3 files only
Optional - 3GP, AVI, MOV, MPG or WMV files

Please log in to leave a comment and share your views with other Cotswold Life visitors.

We enable people to post comments with the aim of encouraging open debate.

Only people who register and sign up to our terms and conditions can post comments. These terms and conditions explain our house rules and legal guidelines.

Comments are not edited by Cotswold Life staff prior to publication but may be automatically filtered.

If you have a complaint about a comment please contact us by clicking on the Report This Comment button next to the comment.

Not a member yet?

Register to create your own unique Cotswold Life account for free.

Signing up is free, quick and easy and offers you the chance to add comments, personalise the site with local information picked just for you, and more.

Sign up now

More from Out & about

Mon, 14:01

With a fantastic line-up, breathtaking BMX antics and plenty of family friendly events, Lakefest 2016 was a hit for Pamela Hudson and family

Read more
Mon, 13:45

We spoke with Richard Smith from Classic Lodges, who manages Charingworth Manor in the Cotswolds, to find out what sort of things you should look for when choosing a wedding venue.

Read more
Sunday, October 9, 2016

It’s that wonderful time of year again when we warm ourselves by roaring bonfires and enjoy dazzling firework displays that light up the skies. Gather your loved ones, wrap up warm and enjoy an evening of Guy Fawkes celebrations in the Cotswolds

Read more
Friday, September 30, 2016

Being a region so steeped in history, there are plenty of locations in the Cotswolds with spooky stories from over the years. From bloody executions, eerie apparitions and headless horsemen, and with Halloween just around the corner, we pick 23 of the most haunted locations throughout the Cotswolds to visit if you dare

Read more
Friday, September 30, 2016

Want a quick break from the Cotswolds, without spending half a day on the motorway or wedged into a seat on a cattle-class flight? A quick jaunt down the M5 and you too could be jumping the waves on a Devon beach

Read more
Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Candia McKormack experiences the extreme highs and lows of an astonishing comedy with a dark – but warm – heart at Cheltenham’s Everyman Theatre

Read more
Thursday, September 22, 2016

Filter or no filter, these locations are picture-perfect!

Read more
Thursday, September 22, 2016

The Cotswolds is a county of beauty: with mesmerising views of the scenery, beautiful landmarks to discover and rolling green countryside to explore, it’s the perfect place to enjoy a walk. We pick 8 walks for you to try and have found the nearby pubs to prepare for your ramble or reward yourself when you finish!

Read more
Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Nestled in the valley between Broadway and Cheltenham, the charming town of Winchcombe is famous for its Cotswold stone cottages, narrow side streets and delightful independent shops. Take a look at our guide to help you make the most of your visit to this historic town that’s bursting with character.

Read more
Tuesday, September 20, 2016

The Schumann Project features nearly 100 events, including some 40 song recitals, piano and chamber music recitals, choral works, study events, films, readings and masterclasses World class artists and emerging stars take to the stage in 21 venues all over the city, with all of Robert Schumann’s and Clara Schumann’s songs to be performed over sixteen days

Read more
Monday, September 5, 2016

Lynne Ede visits the Gloucestershire town of Newent ahead of its annual extravaganza

Read more
Friday, August 26, 2016

Lavender has proved an unexpected tourist attraction for one Cotswold farmer

Read more
Tuesday, August 23, 2016

In celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Cotswolds as an Area Of Outstanding Beauty, there’s plenty going on to fill the end of the school holidays with fun and activities

Read more
Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Gloucestershire’s Charlotte Dujardin retains her Olympic title, whilst posting a new Olympic record with her dancing partner Valegro at Rio 2016

Read more

Newsletter Sign Up

Sign up to the following newsletters:

Subscribe or buy a mag today

subscription ad
Cotswold Life Application Link

Local Business Directory

Cotswold's trusted business finder

Job search in your local area

Search For a Car In Your Area

Property Search