CHRISTMAS OFFER Subscribe to Cotswold Life today CLICK HERE

Sue Limb: Getting under my skin

17:13 28 July 2014

I like the thought of Wordsworth and Byron squaring up over the cups of my bra

I like the thought of Wordsworth and Byron squaring up over the cups of my bra

Archant

My bloke has a tattoo. It’s a profile head of a cheetah or similar large cat, but it’s a bit smudged and from certain angles looks exactly like a turbot

Everybody’s got a tattoo these days. Even Helen Mirren. That’s as near as dammit to saying the Queen has got one. Maybe she has, tucked away under her flawless turquoise suit. I wonder what it would be? The royal coat of arms, lion and unicorn rampant across the royal shoulder blades? ‘Mum’ on the royal biceps? After all, she was always very close to her mother. And two of her ancestors, Edward VII and George V, had tattoos. Although they also had beards. I don’t think she’d go that far.

My bloke has a tattoo, the result of a bet at college. He probably regrets having it done. It’s a profile head of a cheetah, or similar large cat, but it’s a bit smudged and from certain angles looks exactly like a turbot.

But he shouldn’t feel embarrassed any more, because tattoos are big these days. David Beckham, of course, looks more and more like the Rosetta Stone, and the Aussie bowler who devastated the England team in the last Ashes series, Mitchell Johnson, has arms like a Liberty’s pattern book.

Once the preserve of hunky he-men, the tattoo is now sported by frail girls and feisty grannies alike. So I have been forced to consider whether I, too, should have one. But what should it be?

Katie Price, as we know, was once married to Peter Andre, and had his name tattooed on her arm. When they parted, she had it crossed out. That should serve as a warning. Perhaps I shall get over my crush on Michael Gove and succumb to the charms of Eric Pickles.

But I shall never get over my crush on Lord Byron. Perhaps I could have a portrait of him across my back. Although having him on my back seems to be missing a trick. Perhaps he should be on my front - or one of my fronts. But who would look right on the other? Wordsworth, maybe. Straight laced Wordsy and raunchy Byron were polar opposites after all and probably hated one another. I like the thought of them squaring up over the cups of my Balconette bra.

But what if the portraiture fell short and they were unrecognisable? Or possibly mistaken for Steve Davis (snooker guru, a bit like Wordsworth) and Alastair Cook (a kind of low-fat decaffeinated Lord Byron)?

Possibly words are better, though the temptation towards silly quips must be resisted. ‘This way up’ as my balance gets more iffy? ‘May contain nuts’ across my brow? ‘Not made in China’ across my backside (possibly the only thing in the world Not Made in China). ‘My other bosom’s a 40DD’? No, no: vulgarity, though tolerable in the young, becomes beastly as we age. ‘Shake Before Use’ might have been appropriate when I was 20, but now even if I am only slightly shaken - by a missed penalty on TV, for example - I tend to feel a bit squiffy for the rest of the day.

Perhaps a Latin tag? No, too elitist. Shakespeare, then. ‘Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt’? Incidentally, that ought to be the Weightwatchers’ motto, surely.

The trouble is, one soon tires of everything except animals and birds. I suppose that’s why dragons, lions, turbot, etc are so popular.

I know! A swallow! I spend the long dark half of the year longing to see a swallow again. It would be kind of wonderful to be able to look down and see a couple of swallows wheeling and cavorting on my own kneecaps. But I’ll have to go on a diet, first. I haven’t seen my knees for years.

------------

This article by Sue Limb is from the August 2014 issue of Cotswold Life.

For more from Sue, follow her on Twitter: @Sue_Limb

0 comments

Welcome , please leave your message below.

Optional - JPG files only
Optional - MP3 files only
Optional - 3GP, AVI, MOV, MPG or WMV files
Comments

Please log in to leave a comment and share your views with other Cotswold Life visitors.

We enable people to post comments with the aim of encouraging open debate.

Only people who register and sign up to our terms and conditions can post comments. These terms and conditions explain our house rules and legal guidelines.

Comments are not edited by Cotswold Life staff prior to publication but may be automatically filtered.

If you have a complaint about a comment please contact us by clicking on the Report This Comment button next to the comment.

Not a member yet?

Register to create your own unique Cotswold Life account for free.

Signing up is free, quick and easy and offers you the chance to add comments, personalise the site with local information picked just for you, and more.

Sign up now

More from Out & about

Yesterday, 14:34

Home to some of the country’s most breathtaking architecture and picturesque gardens, the Cotswolds boasts plenty of beautiful stately homes you need to visit. We pick 8 special locations that are made even more magical as Christmas approaches

Read more
Mon, 14:58

It may only be a year since Tracy Spiers last visited Chipping Campden, but this warm and creative community isn’t one to rest on its laurels… least of all at Christmas time

Read more
Sunday, November 20, 2016

There’s a tangible sense of belonging and being part of something special with the Bath Road and Suffolk communities as Tracy Spiers discovers

Read more
Monday, November 14, 2016

There aren’t many places in the Cotswolds that can boast having a dinosaur and a palace on their doorstep...Tracy Spiers takes a magical tour around the Oxfordshire town of Woodstock as it gears up for Christmas

Read more
Monday, October 31, 2016

It’s that wonderful time of year again when we warm ourselves by roaring bonfires and enjoy dazzling firework displays that light up the skies. Gather your loved ones, wrap up warm and enjoy an evening of Guy Fawkes celebrations in the Cotswolds

Read more
Monday, October 24, 2016

Nestled in the valley between Broadway and Cheltenham, the charming town of Winchcombe is famous for its Cotswold stone cottages, narrow side streets and delightful independent shops. Take a look at our guide to help you make the most of your visit to this historic town that’s bursting with character.

Read more
Monday, October 24, 2016

Being a region so steeped in history, there are plenty of locations in the Cotswolds with spooky stories from over the years. From bloody executions, eerie apparitions and headless horsemen, and with Halloween just around the corner, we pick 23 of the most haunted locations throughout the Cotswolds to visit if you dare

Read more
Monday, October 17, 2016

With a fantastic line-up, breathtaking BMX antics and plenty of family friendly events, Lakefest 2016 was a hit for Pamela Hudson and family

Read more
Monday, October 17, 2016

We spoke with Richard Smith from Classic Lodges, who manages Charingworth Manor in the Cotswolds, to find out what sort of things you should look for when choosing a wedding venue.

Read more
Friday, September 30, 2016

Want a quick break from the Cotswolds, without spending half a day on the motorway or wedged into a seat on a cattle-class flight? A quick jaunt down the M5 and you too could be jumping the waves on a Devon beach

Read more
Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Candia McKormack experiences the extreme highs and lows of an astonishing comedy with a dark – but warm – heart at Cheltenham’s Everyman Theatre

Read more
Thursday, September 22, 2016

Filter or no filter, these locations are picture-perfect!

Read more
Thursday, September 22, 2016

The Cotswolds is a county of beauty: with mesmerising views of the scenery, beautiful landmarks to discover and rolling green countryside to explore, it’s the perfect place to enjoy a walk. We pick 8 walks for you to try and have found the nearby pubs to prepare for your ramble or reward yourself when you finish!

Read more
Tuesday, September 20, 2016

The Schumann Project features nearly 100 events, including some 40 song recitals, piano and chamber music recitals, choral works, study events, films, readings and masterclasses World class artists and emerging stars take to the stage in 21 venues all over the city, with all of Robert Schumann’s and Clara Schumann’s songs to be performed over sixteen days

Read more

Newsletter Sign Up

Sign up to the following newsletters:


Family Business Awards link

Topics of Interest

Food and Drink Directory
A+ Education

Subscribe or buy a mag today


subscription ad
Cotswold Life Application Link

Local Business Directory

Cotswold's trusted business finder

Job search in your local area



Search For a Car In Your Area

Property Search