CHRISTMAS OFFER Subscribe to Cotswold Life today CLICK HERE

Sue Limb: The agony of Christmas

PUBLISHED: 09:00 25 November 2013

Sue Limb, Christmas agony aunt.

Sue Limb, Christmas agony aunt.

Archant

From an ageing Santa to an innocent robin under attack despite years of charity work, Aunt Sue has the answer to all your seasonal problems

As Christmas is such a familiar source of angst, I’m setting myself up as Ozleworth’s Agony Aunt. Here are some of the problems I’m dealing with this year…

Dear Aunt Sue,

I’m afraid my father may be overdoing it. He’s always been the life and soul of the party, and the number of mince pies and glasses of booze he can get through is legendary, but to be honest I’m starting to dread the festive season. His visual acuity isn’t what it was – in fact, last year he had a flat reindeer and never even noticed – and I’m not sure a man of his age should be slithering about on frosty roofs, let alone sliding down chimneys and meddling with children’s clothing in strangers’ houses. The health and safety issues, let alone the child protection implications, frankly terrify me. What do you advise?

– Anita Claus.

Dear Anita,

What kind of daughter are you, letting your poor old dad struggle on year after year in freezing temperatures? Book him in to a swish Barbados hotel for the duration, get yourself a cute white-and-red skating skirt adorned with pom-poms and tell your PR company that from now on, they’re selling Daughter Christmas. So Post-Modern!

- Oh, and mine’s a Guerlain.

Aunt Sue.

*

Dear Aunt Sue,

I feel I’m being stereotyped as a goody-goody, whiter-than-white angelic little bore. I hate being put on a pedestal and having everybody think I’m above all the guzzling and nuzzling that goes on at Christmas. I wanna get down and dirty with the rude boys this year and release my inner tart. Please help!

Love, The Fairy on Top of the Christmas Tree.

Dear Fairy,

Frankly, anyone wearing white satin shoes and masses of virginal lace is going to struggle to establish raunchy credentials. But there’s always San Francisco. You might find dozens of similarly dressed ‘rude boys’ there who could help you address your issues. I’d suggest you re-locate immediately as, once you’ve been top of the tree, the only way is down.

I wish you good luck.

Aunt Sue.

*

Dear Aunt Sue,

My boyfriend always overdoes the present-giving and it’s kind of hard to keep up. Last year he bought me seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. What can I get him in return which will be a reasonable gift, but which might make him think a bit more deeply about the Real Meaning of Christmas?

Regards,

Sheila.

Dear Sheila,

A Rolex.

Regards,

Aunt Sue

*

Dear Aunt Sue,

There’s this bloke round our way who thinks he’s it. What a bighead! Always preening and posing – showing off his red breast and puffing himself up for photos. All his admirers dote on him. If they could only see him in private: using foul birdsong and even resorting to birdily violence. We rare winter visitors get a bad press whilst Lord Muck soaks up all the glory. How can we take him down a peg or two?

Yrs, The Grey-Backed Shrike (Endangered).

Dear Shrike,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re endangered, but jealousy’s not a very attractive quality, you know. Robin (who’s a great friend of mine, by the way) has done hours of charity card work. We’re hardly going to replace his cheery twinkliness with a merciless grey-backed predator who impales his victims on thorn bushes – naming no names. So I suggest you sort out your own anger management issues before you start taking pot shots at a national treasure!

Kind regards,

Aunt Sue.

*

For more from Sue Limb, follow her on Twitter: @Sue_Limb

0 comments

More from Out & about

The Warwickshire town of Alcester is considered one of the best understood Roman settlements in the country. Tracy Spiers digs below the surface to discover its hidden jewels

Read more

Thanks to the impact of ground-breaking comedy This Country, the quiet market town of Northleach has become one of the Cotswolds’ hottest film locations. Katie Jarvis is sent to investigate

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Stephen Roberts walks in the footsteps of the Oxford scholar who enjoyed attending parties dressed as a polar bear, and once chased a neighbour while dressed as an axe-wielding Anglo-Saxon

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

I send this postcard from Cirencester, complete with the discoveries and viewpoints from four members of my family – both the young and not so young

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

If you’re looking for things to do in the Cotswolds this month, we have gathered plenty of events for you to pop in your diary

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

One hundred years ago this month the guns fell silent, marking the end of what was to become known as The Great War. Stephen Roberts remembers the impact the war had on Cotswold lives from 1914-1918

Read more
Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Being a region so steeped in history, there are plenty of locations in the Cotswolds with spooky stories from over the years. From bloody executions, eerie apparitions and headless horsemen, we pick 23 of the most haunted locations throughout the Cotswolds to visit if you dare

Read more
Tuesday, October 30, 2018

New bat cams installed at Woodchester Mansion help study protected breeds while also becoming an added attraction for visitors. Jo Barber looks at the work of one of the UK’s foremost bat experts and the mansion’s valued volunteers

Read more
Tuesday, October 30, 2018

From an all-boy, all boarding prep school for just 30 pupils, to the quietly trailblazing yet still traditional school it is today – here is a snapshot of Beaudesert over its 110-year history

Read more
Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Of all the castles in the region, none have seen as much war, romance and royalty as Sudeley over its dramatic 1,000-year history. And with such a colourful and eventful past, it is easy to see why some people believe there could be spirits from bygone eras which still wander the halls and corridors to this day

Read more
Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Following a record year for ‘visitor giving’ donations via local businesses, applications are invited to fund conservation projects

Read more
Monday, October 15, 2018

What started as a business ploy by one Cotswold firm has developed into an inspirational garden

Read more
Monday, October 8, 2018

If a bit of English eccentricity is your thing, spend an enjoyable afternoon exploring the delightful follies of Faringdon

Read more
Monday, October 1, 2018

Visitors to the village of Bourton-on-the-Water can now escape the well-trodden tourist trail at Gloucestershire Wildlife Trust’s beautiful Greystones nature reserve and its newly opened visitor centre

Read more

Newsletter Sign Up

Sign up to the following newsletters:

Sign up to receive our regular email newsletter

Our Privacy Policy

Topics of Interest

Food and Drink Directory A+ Education

Subscribe or buy a mag today

subscription ad

Local Business Directory

Property Search