CHRISTMAS OFFER Subscribe to Cotswold Life today CLICK HERE

Dom Joly: How to not organise a Non-Existent Festival

PUBLISHED: 10:06 11 August 2014 | UPDATED: 10:31 11 August 2014

This weekend on Dom Joly’s farm, the NO Festival Festival is not happening. You can’t buy tickets and there is NO VIP. NO bands are playing, NO celebrity chefs are cooking, NO activities are going on for kids.” DON’T BOOK NOW

This weekend on Dom Joly’s farm, the NO Festival Festival is not happening. You can’t buy tickets and there is NO VIP. NO bands are playing, NO celebrity chefs are cooking, NO activities are going on for kids.” DON’T BOOK NOW

Archant

No bands are playing, no celebrity chefs are cooking, no activities are going on for kids. DON’T BOOK NOW!

Comedian and Cotswold Life columnist Dom Joly with his dog Fitzgerald / Photo by Antony Thompson (Thousand Word Media)Comedian and Cotswold Life columnist Dom Joly with his dog Fitzgerald / Photo by Antony Thompson (Thousand Word Media)

I like a knees-up as much as the next grumpy middle-aged man, but what is it with the Cotswolds and festivals? Anywhere else I’ve ever lived there has been one, maybe two, ‘events’ a year. That was fine. That was something I could handle. Not in the Cotswolds however - there appears to be the need for a festival of something every day otherwise terrible things will clearly happen.

Just a quick flick through the volumes of leaflets that are forced through my door informs me that I’ve just missed the Bird Festival, the Science Festival, the Racing Festival, the Food and Drink Festival… but don’t worry because the Cricket Festival is on and there are innumerable Folk Festivals and then there is the Beer Festival (I quite like that one), but you had better get your tickets for the Literature Festival and start thinking about the Xmas Festival and by the way, would the kids like to go to the Medieval Festival?

People keep ringing me up - “Are you going to the Feastival? Did I see you at Cornbury Festival?” STOP! I just want one weekend with no festival. I want a weekend where I am not badgered by my wife or my kids to fork out vast amounts of money to go and hang out with people I don’t want to hang out with at something I have no interest in. I think what I really want is a No Festival Festival?

Maybe I’ll set one up.

“This weekend on Dom Joly’s farm, the NO Festival Festival is not happening. You can’t buy tickets and there is NO VIP. NO bands are playing, NO celebrity chefs are cooking, NO activities are going on for kids.” DON’T BOOK NOW.

I’m going to do it. You’ve inspired me. Well done you. In fact I’m going to set it up right now. This column is to officially mark the establishment of my No Festival Festival and to let you know that my Non Festival will take place through the whole of August. Tickets are £1,000 each. Please make cheques out to Dom Joly. I will give a small discount if you hand me cash on the street and I am open to mutual trading so if you are, say, Whole Foods and you want your name attached to my big event, then you can have a banner up in my kitchen if you give me free shopping for the year.

Before you commit, you probably want to know what sort of activities I don’t have going on at my Non Festival? Activities will include me lying on a sofa watching television and shouting at my wife to bring me some toast please? Dom Joly will also be pottering around his garden muttering to himself that he really should mow the lawn on a daily basis. Don’t miss the 2-4pm “I take my dogs for a walk” (book early). Every evening there will be an opportunity to see me try to decide what to have for supper. Often, I will be doing a kitchen demo in which you can learn how to overcook an expensive joint of beef or murder a kumquat. Please remember to bring a twin headphones jack with you. I can often be found lying in the garden listening to ‘tunes’ exclusively DJ’d by me. If you bring the jack you can plug in and listen along with me.

That was easy. I’m quite excited about my Non Festival now. The preparation is going to be a nightmare but it will be worth it because it will bring the community together, something we hardly ever do any more. Also it will give everyone something to do rather than go to all those bloody festivals that are just after our money and our precious leisure time. If things go really well I might make my Non Festival an annual thing.

My wife thinks that we should do a Non Christmas Festival in Mauritius and I’m giving it some serious thought. The moment we make a decision I’ll let you know where you can get tickets. My book How Not To Run A Non-Existent Festival is out in September and I’ll be talking about it at the Cheltenham Literature Festival.

--------------------

This article by Dom Joly is from the August 2014 issue of Cotswold Life

0 comments

Welcome , please leave your message below.

Optional - JPG files only
Optional - MP3 files only
Optional - 3GP, AVI, MOV, MPG or WMV files
Comments

Please log in to leave a comment and share your views with other Cotswold Life visitors.

We enable people to post comments with the aim of encouraging open debate.

Only people who register and sign up to our terms and conditions can post comments. These terms and conditions explain our house rules and legal guidelines.

Comments are not edited by Cotswold Life staff prior to publication but may be automatically filtered.

If you have a complaint about a comment please contact us by clicking on the Report This Comment button next to the comment.

Not a member yet?

Register to create your own unique Cotswold Life account for free.

Signing up is free, quick and easy and offers you the chance to add comments, personalise the site with local information picked just for you, and more.

Sign up now

More from Out & about

The Warwickshire town of Alcester is considered one of the best understood Roman settlements in the country. Tracy Spiers digs below the surface to discover its hidden jewels

Read more

Thanks to the impact of ground-breaking comedy This Country, the quiet market town of Northleach has become one of the Cotswolds’ hottest film locations. Katie Jarvis is sent to investigate

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Stephen Roberts walks in the footsteps of the Oxford scholar who enjoyed attending parties dressed as a polar bear, and once chased a neighbour while dressed as an axe-wielding Anglo-Saxon

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

I send this postcard from Cirencester, complete with the discoveries and viewpoints from four members of my family – both the young and not so young

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

If you’re looking for things to do in the Cotswolds this month, we have gathered plenty of events for you to pop in your diary

Read more
Tuesday, November 6, 2018

One hundred years ago this month the guns fell silent, marking the end of what was to become known as The Great War. Stephen Roberts remembers the impact the war had on Cotswold lives from 1914-1918

Read more
Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Being a region so steeped in history, there are plenty of locations in the Cotswolds with spooky stories from over the years. From bloody executions, eerie apparitions and headless horsemen, we pick 23 of the most haunted locations throughout the Cotswolds to visit if you dare

Read more
Tuesday, October 30, 2018

New bat cams installed at Woodchester Mansion help study protected breeds while also becoming an added attraction for visitors. Jo Barber looks at the work of one of the UK’s foremost bat experts and the mansion’s valued volunteers

Read more
Tuesday, October 30, 2018

From an all-boy, all boarding prep school for just 30 pupils, to the quietly trailblazing yet still traditional school it is today – here is a snapshot of Beaudesert over its 110-year history

Read more
Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Of all the castles in the region, none have seen as much war, romance and royalty as Sudeley over its dramatic 1,000-year history. And with such a colourful and eventful past, it is easy to see why some people believe there could be spirits from bygone eras which still wander the halls and corridors to this day

Read more
Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Following a record year for ‘visitor giving’ donations via local businesses, applications are invited to fund conservation projects

Read more
Monday, October 15, 2018

What started as a business ploy by one Cotswold firm has developed into an inspirational garden

Read more
Monday, October 8, 2018

If a bit of English eccentricity is your thing, spend an enjoyable afternoon exploring the delightful follies of Faringdon

Read more
Monday, October 1, 2018

Visitors to the village of Bourton-on-the-Water can now escape the well-trodden tourist trail at Gloucestershire Wildlife Trust’s beautiful Greystones nature reserve and its newly opened visitor centre

Read more

Newsletter Sign Up

Sign up to the following newsletters:

Sign up to receive our regular email newsletter

Our Privacy Policy

Topics of Interest

Food and Drink Directory A+ Education

Subscribe or buy a mag today

subscription ad

Local Business Directory

Property Search